“The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.”
James Taylor
Time. It’s such an ephemeral thing, isn’t it? I mean, you can’t hold it or frame it and place it on the wall except in photographs indicating the way we looked then as opposed to now. Try and explain it to a child. I mean, yes, a clock or watch tell us the time but really what IS time? Minutes. Seconds. What are they? What do they look like? How do we even know they really exist? What is the purpose of time other than to let us know we’re either late or early to this thing called Life.
I suppose if I had Einstein’s genius I could come up with a wise retort, but my brain is seriously lacking in the brilliance department. Not a wunderkind, I’m simply left with a mind filled with wonder. And that’s what brings me to this moment of contemplation. Possibly it’s because of this season of nostalgia. Autumn always does this to me. I love it so. The multi-colored leaves falling to the ground prodded by wafts of sun-tinged breezes. The fire-place smells and everything changing, leaving the summer days behind and everyone beginning to snuggle down and wrap into the coming cold. But I tend to fall into that state of longing. For what? I’m not sure. But I long. And I remember. And I feel both energized and resigned. Seeking out that ancient, inner cave to retreat into and redefine my place here, there, everywhere.
Maybe it’s all that as well as me facing an end-of-the-year birthday signaling the fact that chronologically at least my hour-glass is piling up at a steady downward pace. I can no longer say, “Someday I will, blah-blah-blah…” I mean none of us should say that. The moment is NOW, like the author/master teacher Eckhart Tolle says so wisely. But my point in time is telling me that I really can’t say that. I need to act on my dreams this very moment. My mirror is telling me that too. (Just not making mirrors like they used to!!!)
Just this past month I’ve experienced aspects of time passage in a poignant time trip. First to my elderly parents, helping them move from their retirement facility into one that focuses on assisted living. And that is a topic in and of itself which I’ll talk about at another “time.” To try and convince a mighty little lady used to shouldering the world and “doing it myself!” to admit that she will need assisted living is both mortifying and humbling for her. And exhausting to gently convince her of that fact. My father loves his wheelchair. My mother will be dragged kicking and screaming if she ever needs one…
Mother just turned 91 and my father is almost 95. People tell me that it’s a blessing but in many ways it’s painful and frustrating and not easy—for them or for us. I wish it weren’t so, but that is the truth—especially for my sister who is living near them. It’s always more challenging being the caregiver if you’re the one on-call. And the reality of trying to look the other way or refute one’s feelings about ourselves and each other doesn’t work. What we bottle up and scrunch down into that abyss of denial will eventually bubble to the surface and roar its ugly head in time. That’s what my parents are discovering right now about each other. What we are when we are young we are simply more of the same when we’re older.
Oy-frigging-vey.
But the good part is that my parents still have sharp minds and a strong sense of self. So while both of their bodies are fighting a myriad of age-related demons, they still can delight in the beauty of their new living quarters and seeing all their favorite decorations, works of art, paintings, etc. filling their walls and shelves. After an intense week of unboxing and giving away tons of lifelong collections with my mother’s approval, I got to witness these bright individuals from a fresh perspective. I saw once again their love for books and culture and finding such curiosity in the new and undiscovered. Their music collection is astounding—from opera and classical symphonies to dreamy forties ballads and pop tunes. Large, phone book-sized crossword puzzles that they use daily are stacked next to everything from the sensational to the sensual. When they have the stamina they use the computer and never miss watching the news or their favorite TV shows (“Dancing with the Stars” is mom’s favorite!) Their minds are still open to the new and that is what is staving off the Grim Reaper from backing off at least for this tiny window of time.
A few weeks after I got my parents settled into their lovely new Washington State digs, I found myself officiating and storytelling at a gorgeous wedding in Arizona for beloved family members, Drew and Carri. (A few days before that Pete and I were dancing in the aisles at a Grateful Dead concert in Vegas, and that, too, is another topic!) But this wedding was so rich with memories—people I hadn’t seen for eons, all extensions of Kent’s family who are still so very precious to me and always have been so.
Children who knew me as their “Aunt Cara” are now men and women, and I met some of their children for the first time. In fact the groom’s mother, Marian, was my little bride’s maid at my first wedding. And Ethan and Jesse were the little ring-bearers at her wedding years later. Time. I was riveted by so many people who impacted my life with such depth of feeling and forever impressions of who I was then in a time long gone in a place I can barely remember ever really existed. But we all danced together in that love fest of was and is. Pure joy. It felt seamless and right and like everything in life you can’t hold onto to any of it. There is no there there. You just have to show up, savor it all and release it. Be grateful for it. So many of the photographs reflect the fact that it wasn’t a dream. It really did happen and wasn’t a machination of my imagination. I was there. And now I’m not. All is simply designed for those incremental moments and then they’re gone. Ticking away. Flowing through the hour glass grain-by-grain. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Funerals. Weddings. Births.
I just sent a gift off to Nileshi’s baby shower. And shouted in delight over the news of a new baby on the way for our step-kids, Rina and Justin. Bly just turned seven, Autumn has become a thirteen-year-old and Kaio will soon be eight years old. How can that be? Wasn’t it yesterday when I first held him in my arms? Life marches on. We celebrate the moments and each other while we have them and then let them go—to end and to begin, on and on and on, and so it goes. All we can and must do is what James Taylor said and that’s to just enjoy the time passage while it’s here. Love each other and don’t hesitate to show and tell it. Grab the moment, the phone call, the email, text or note and say it while we still have time. And that is enough.
“We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love… and then we return home.”
Australian Aboriginal Proverb
“…It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back—up the hill—to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-by, good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners…Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking…and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths…and sleeping and waking up. Oh Earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize Life while they live it? Every, every minute?” -“Emily,” from the play, Our Town, by Thornton Wilder
Please let me know what you think of time and how it affects you.
I recently experienced this time phenomena when my Aunt and Uncle – who now live in Savannah, Georgia, but are originally from Manchester, England – stayed with us and experienced my 2 young daughters, their nieces (oh boy). My Aunt says it’s funny how we are all exchanging places in our family’s hierarchy, people pass away and others come in to take their place. I will always be her nephew, of course, but I am older and a father now. We just enjoyed having her stay with us and took some photos because that is all you can really do. Thanks for the article.
Thank you so much, Paul! Yes, we each have our own Time perspectives that remind us of how fleeting and momentous every life-increment is for us all….
I felt complete empathy with your words, how true it all was. A real eye opener to read and realize there are many others who feel exactly as we do. Time is a passage way we all have to travel and hopefully we can all spend time reflecting before we reach the end of the road.
Thank you so much, Cathy, for your wise perspective and affirmation. Yes, if we all are made aware of time passage while we’re experiencing it I believe life is so much richer in so many ways. Again, I so appreciate your taking the “time” to share your thoughts with me!